This one is perhaps one of the best I've ever come across:
There are these two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they’ve been put in place, an angel flutters down to them.
A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues have been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.
The angel says, “I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick–you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again.”
The man looks at the woman, and they both flush, and giggle, and run off into some underbrush.� An intense rustling comes from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied.
The angel smiles at the couple. “That was only seven minutes–why not go back and do it again?”
The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman says, “Why not?� But let’s reverse it this time–you hold down the pigeon, and I’ll shit on it….”
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Tech. support hotline!
Help desk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one…
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Help desk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Help desk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note .
Customer: No… wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on
my desk… Sorry… :-[
Help desk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Help desk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
Help desk: Would you click on start for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill
Gates damn it!
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time
I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can’t
find it…
Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Help desk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah :-[ ………………. Thank you.
Help desk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Help desk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Help desk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Help desk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Help desk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah… that one works!
Help desk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter, V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
A customer couldn’t get on the Internet:
Help desk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Help desk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Help desk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Help desk: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
Help desk: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Help desk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?
Customer: A white one…
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Help desk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Help desk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note .
Customer: No… wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on
my desk… Sorry… :-[
Help desk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Help desk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
Help desk: Would you click on start for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill
Gates damn it!
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time
I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can’t
find it…
Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Help desk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah :-[ ………………. Thank you.
Help desk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Help desk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Help desk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Help desk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Help desk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah… that one works!
Help desk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter, V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
A customer couldn’t get on the Internet:
Help desk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Help desk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Help desk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Help desk: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
Help desk: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Help desk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Humor for the middle of the week!
1) Deep obeservation in life - When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and Keep away from children.”
3) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
4) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
5) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”
6) Their bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”
7) Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
8) “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
9) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
10) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and Keep away from children.”
3) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
4) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
5) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”
6) Their bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”
7) Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
8) “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
9) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
10) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
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