Excellant New Product for Men

If you’re a guy, you’ve probably heard way too many times a variation of this not-really-a-question: “Could you hold my purse?”

As you know, there is no way to hold a purse in a manly fashion. After sixty seconds of transporting a designer bag full of Tampons and lipstick, your testosterone will be so low that you’ll be playing field hockey and lactating.

You can try holding the purse in a manly, irregular fashion, but it won’t help. It’s still a purse. And you’re holding it. You big wuss. Say goodbye to your gonads; they’ll be hiding in your torso like two BBs in an airplane hangar.

That’s why I invented the PursePliers ™. They are exactly like regular pliers, but you carry them in your back pocket in all times in case you are asked to hold a woman’s purse. When you hear the call, “Honey, would you grab my purse?” you whip out the pliers and use them to safely transport the purse and its wuss cooties.

The recommended way to lift a purse with pliers is by grabbing the zipper and holding it the way you would hold fresh road kill, at a safe distance from your body, just in case it’s not totally dead. Research has shown that wuss cooties can not cross pliers.

While there is no manly way to touch a purse with your bare hands, there is no unmanly way to use pliers. Your PursePliers can be used in a variety of situations, including shopping for a blouse for your wife, passing the low-calorie salad dressing, and tucking in a baby.

PursePliers: Their time is now.

Frightening Little Question

Ok! The previous blog entry was a midday thought that I managed to put in words only during the end of the day. Here's the actual entry for the day...

When I watch a movie, I enjoy it more if I can empathize with one of the characters. I imagine myself in his or her situation: solving a crime, falling in love, wearing a leotard while battling injustice, and whatnot. It’s hard to enjoy a movie if I can’t relate to how the characters are feeling, even if they are different from me. That’s normal, right?

So how the f*ck do you explain the popularity of horror movies?

There are only two kinds of characters in a horror flick: the victims who are dying horrible deaths, and the psychopaths that are doing the killing. My problem with those movies is that I automatically empathize with the victims, and I can feel their pain. When a character gets impaled with a sharp object, I imagine what that would feel like. I think it would hurt. So I steer clear of horror movies. Yet millions of people enjoy that type of entertainment. Here’s your frightening little question of the day: Who are horror movie fans empathizing with?

By process of elimination, I assume fans of horror flicks are imagining themselves as the killer, thinking how cool it would be to disembowel attractive teenagers. Frickin' Hell! There are millions of these psychopath movie-goers. And they look just like normal people.

I wonder how many times in my life I’m at a store, for example, swiping my debit card, and the cashier is looking at me and thinking “It sure would be fun to drive a spike through his forehead and make a vest from his skin.” It probably happens more often than I’d like.

Do you enjoy horror movies? If so, what the f*ck is wrong with you?

Nice or Evil..?

Let’s say your spouse decides to cook you an extra special meal. It’s your favorite. It takes him/her a lot of work. You enjoy the meal and naturally offer to do the cleaning up by yourself.

But here’s the kicker: Your spouse loves to cook, and you hate to clean up, especially after a long day and a big meal. As you wipe down the table and wash the extra-high pile of pots and pans from the extra-special meal, which thought do you have?

1. My spouse gave me something special tonight.

2. I got screwed in this deal.