If you wanted to increase your productivity, you already blew it the moment you opened up your internet browser.
Clearly, there is something else that you ought to be doing. It’s just as clear that you have no intention of doing it. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here.
I know as well as you do that what you want are tips on how not to get things done.
Here are 5 tips on decreasing your productivity:
↓ Read a blog
You’re already doing this one, so it’s an easy choice. Just keep clicking through the recent posts or the archive. You could also follow some of the links to others that I have provided you, like Humor-Blogs.com. Whatever you do, stay on the internet.
↓ Sleep
Sleeping feels good. When you do it, you’re unconscious, so obviously you’re not being productive while you sleep.This one does come with a warning label, though. It’s possible that when you wake up you will fell invigorated, motivated, and energized. I suggest following this one with the next tip.
↓ Watch TV
Not only is watching TV unproductive, it has the added bonus of making you dumber. The more you watch, the less you do, and the dumber you get. Watching TV is a great way to avoid productivity.
↓ Get a job
There’s almost nothing more unproductive than having a job. You spend over half your waking hours being told what to do, when and where. During this time do you get to read a good book, spend quality time with friends and family, or fulfill your life’s purpose? Do you get to enjoy your hobbies, absorb the beauty of nature, or set your own schedule? If you do, you’re probably not a very good employee. There is one thing more unproductive, and that’s our next tip.
↓ Plunge into an addiction
Whether it’s pr0n, drugs, alcohol, gambling, or whatever, having a destructive addiction is the #1 way to be an unproductive person. When you’re drowning in debt, your wife has left you, you have no income, and you have sold out every bit of humanity you have left to get your next high, you won’t be accomplishing anything worthwhile at all. Congratulations! You’ve reached the pinnacle of unproductivity.
Good luck, and keep avoiding doing anything meaningful.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Why Internet is like vagina
# The more people use it the bigger it gets.
# If you play with it too much you can go blind.
# You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!
# Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.
# In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
# It has no conscience and no memory.
# It provides a way to interact with other people.
# If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
# It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
# You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.
# The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.
# If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
# It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
# Some folks have it, some don't.
# Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
# Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.
# Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
# Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers.
# If you play with it too much you can go blind.
# You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!
# Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.
# In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
# It has no conscience and no memory.
# It provides a way to interact with other people.
# If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
# It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
# You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.
# The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.
# If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
# It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
# Some folks have it, some don't.
# Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
# Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.
# Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
# Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Old Fashioned Words
People mock me for referring to my athletic footwear as “sneakers.” Apparently that is an old fashioned term. I am told the correct term is “tennis shoes” even if the athletic shoes in question are not designed for use on a tennis court. This seems wrong. If my athletic shoes allow me to “sneak” someplace without making noise, and are unsuitable for playing tennis, I say they should be called sneakers.
I was reminded of this the other day at a conference. The moderator asked delegates to silence their “cell phones.” This already seems old fashioned to me. I only own one phone. It’s in my left front pocket all the time. It’s my home phone, my work phone, and my cell phone. All of those terms will be old fashioned in your lifetime. Your kids will simply have a “phone.”
Do you remember when computers were “multimedia”? That word went away as soon as every computer could handle sound and video. The descriptor “high definition” will evaporate in about ten years too. And you won’t have to talk about “downloading” music because that’ll be the only way to get it.
Recently a friend joked about going to the library to help with his son’s school project. He said it felt like going back in time, to pre-Internet days. I wonder if libraries have an expiration date on them. I’m guessing yes.
I also wonder when the “e-“ will disappear from e-mail. I’m trying to remember the last time I wrote the kind of letter that requires a stamp. I’m guessing it was about eight years ago. I don’t even check my physical mailbox daily. I only check it when I think it might be too full for the mailman to stuff more crap in there.
Do you have any soon-to-be-old-fashioned words to add?
I was reminded of this the other day at a conference. The moderator asked delegates to silence their “cell phones.” This already seems old fashioned to me. I only own one phone. It’s in my left front pocket all the time. It’s my home phone, my work phone, and my cell phone. All of those terms will be old fashioned in your lifetime. Your kids will simply have a “phone.”
Do you remember when computers were “multimedia”? That word went away as soon as every computer could handle sound and video. The descriptor “high definition” will evaporate in about ten years too. And you won’t have to talk about “downloading” music because that’ll be the only way to get it.
Recently a friend joked about going to the library to help with his son’s school project. He said it felt like going back in time, to pre-Internet days. I wonder if libraries have an expiration date on them. I’m guessing yes.
I also wonder when the “e-“ will disappear from e-mail. I’m trying to remember the last time I wrote the kind of letter that requires a stamp. I’m guessing it was about eight years ago. I don’t even check my physical mailbox daily. I only check it when I think it might be too full for the mailman to stuff more crap in there.
Do you have any soon-to-be-old-fashioned words to add?
Monday, July 23, 2007
Best fund raiser... ever!
I saw in the news that Andre Agassi “inadvertently” whacked his wife, Steffi Graf, in the face with his racket during a fundraiser.
http://sports.yahoo.com/ten/news?slug=ap-grafinjured&prov=ap&type=lgns
The fundraiser was part of a new reality show produced by Oprah. The doctor who bid $70,000 to play tennis with Agassi and Graf also got to put the stitches in Graf’s lip. Hmmmm. . . Was this really an accident?
One theory is that Andre Agassi, the most precise tennis player in history, who could circumcise a mosquito with a tennis racket during mid serve, couldn’t avoid hitting his wife in the face. I suppose that’s possible, in the “anything can happen” way of thinking. But let’s examine the alternative theory.
Let’s say Oprah corners Agassi alone before the event and says, “Andre, the doctor will pay $70,000 just to play tennis. But if you hit your wife in the head so he can stitch her up, that’s another $100,000 to benefit the children.”
At first, Andre would probably say, “No way!” But Oprah would just furrow her brow and look at him in that “I’m Oprah and you’re not” way. She wouldn’t have to actually say, “I’ll tell everyone that you don’t care about children” because it would be implied. Oprah can be very convincing. I imagine her saying, “Andre, you’ve been married for a while. Can you honestly tell me you can’t think of one good reason to bust her lip with a racket? Don’t lie to me. I’m Oprah.”
By the time Oprah was done with Agassi, Steffi’s face was probably starting to look round, green, and fuzzy. Interestingly, Agassi managed to bust Steffi’s lip without damaging her teeth. I assume that’s because the guy who bid the highest was a doctor and not a dentist. If the bidder had been a psychiatrist, that would have been the best show of all. Agassi would have had to club Steffi to death and keep her in a freezer.
I’m not criticizing. I think it’s great to help the children.
http://sports.yahoo.com/ten/news?slug=ap-grafinjured&prov=ap&type=lgns
The fundraiser was part of a new reality show produced by Oprah. The doctor who bid $70,000 to play tennis with Agassi and Graf also got to put the stitches in Graf’s lip. Hmmmm. . . Was this really an accident?
One theory is that Andre Agassi, the most precise tennis player in history, who could circumcise a mosquito with a tennis racket during mid serve, couldn’t avoid hitting his wife in the face. I suppose that’s possible, in the “anything can happen” way of thinking. But let’s examine the alternative theory.
Let’s say Oprah corners Agassi alone before the event and says, “Andre, the doctor will pay $70,000 just to play tennis. But if you hit your wife in the head so he can stitch her up, that’s another $100,000 to benefit the children.”
At first, Andre would probably say, “No way!” But Oprah would just furrow her brow and look at him in that “I’m Oprah and you’re not” way. She wouldn’t have to actually say, “I’ll tell everyone that you don’t care about children” because it would be implied. Oprah can be very convincing. I imagine her saying, “Andre, you’ve been married for a while. Can you honestly tell me you can’t think of one good reason to bust her lip with a racket? Don’t lie to me. I’m Oprah.”
By the time Oprah was done with Agassi, Steffi’s face was probably starting to look round, green, and fuzzy. Interestingly, Agassi managed to bust Steffi’s lip without damaging her teeth. I assume that’s because the guy who bid the highest was a doctor and not a dentist. If the bidder had been a psychiatrist, that would have been the best show of all. Agassi would have had to club Steffi to death and keep her in a freezer.
I’m not criticizing. I think it’s great to help the children.
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