Humor for the middle of the week!

1) Deep obeservation in life - When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and Keep away from children.”

3) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”

4) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”

5) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”

6) Their bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”

7) Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”

8) “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”

9) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”


10) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”